Dirty Bird

Last week, I got out of the van, walked a few steps, and a bird shit on my head.

I think that pretty much sums up my life at the minute, so there's no need to bore you all with the details.

Me: I'm fed up

Hadleigh: Is it because you're so uptight all the time?

Me: (!!!!!!!!?????!!!!!!!!!!)

(I am a very laid back Mama. Except lately, I may be a little, shall we say, yelly)

More details eventually, but only if you can either (a) catch me in my house and not cleaning/organizing/on the phone for more than five minutes or (b) catch me sitting down for longer than it takes to pee

Good Luck!

PS) Tom lost a tooth. He looks so cute with his little gap.

Oi'll give ye a pot of me finest gold if ye can make me Mother stop being such a 'grade A' beeyatch!

St Joseph Suspects I am Not Catholic. Or, Rumbled by a Statue.

Yesterday I was battered by a serious case of PMS. I had a seriously bad migraine (I pronounce it MYgraine, since hearing it pronounced MEE-graine brings one on immediately).

I took to my bed for the afternoon while the kids watched 42 episodes of Pink Panther on Netflix. I haven't had a headache like that for a while. It started during a magic show at the library where I was so busy being irritated with people who let their two year olds just be INCREDIBLY DISTRACTING (I was grumpy, sue me) that I could almost imagine that the migraine wasn't coming.

But then the top of my head tried to come off, so I had to face the fact that I needed to get home. My eyes watered. My mouth watered. I wanted to throw up. Ugh. So awful.

I lay in the bed like a lout, and had a little cry. Truth be told, not only was it PMS (and a whacking case, like I said) but I was facing a truth that I have been burying for quite a few weeks.

I was feeling very scared that I'm was not going to sell this house. I felt like there was a black cloud over my head.

I miss Az.

My computer blew up. (I am typing this from a shiny new laptop, as yet unpaid for).

My toilet suffered from too much toilet roll being put in it (thanks, kids)

and I just was sick to death of leaving the house so that people could come in here, mess with my stuff, and then not buy my house.

Let me tell you about a family who have been looking at Casa Marmite. They have four children. They have been here twice. The first time they came in, we saw definite signs that they had been enjoying our house.

(a) kids played in sandbox. left lid off.

(b) kids played on swingset. swung swings over top of swing set to adjust height.

(c) peed in my toilet and didn't flush

(d) went down to the kids craft area in the basement. got a piece of colouring paper, took it upstairs to Had's room and proceeded to use her (vintage) typewriter to type on this piece of paper. Then took paper and crumpled it up and left it on my kitchen table.

Imagine how livid I was with all the hormones coursing through me.

Today is better. I'm back in the land of denial (aka positive thinking) and have self medicated with Coca-Cola cake (made by Had and Blaire, and no lie, insanely good). The house will sell when it sells.

We're going to lose quite a bit of money.

We're going to need a little while to get back on our feet.

But we will. We will. Good things are in store for this family.

However....................

I am trying to get over how jealous I am that my Mum and Dad are in Mexico and my Parents-in-Law are in Dublin.

Whatever, y'all. I'm in NEE Braskee. You're probably jealous.

And now, if you'll excuse me, Dustin Hoffman has just showed up on Leno and I love me some Dustin (it's on mute though..........Leno gives me one hell of a migraine).

Sunday

It was a shit day, but as my lovely kids put it, at least (a) we didn't all die (b) the house didn't get blown up or (c) Had didn't contract Malaria.

It's perspective, I think, that makes all the difference.

Drunk on Scones

Replace "drunk" with "fat" and "on" with "because of" and you will have a general idea of what I have eaten the past few days. Lots of carbs. Scones (3 today, 4 yesterday). Homemade chips. Homemade bread. Rice. Swiss roll. Tonight was particularly bad--ice cream, scones, egg and chips, and a generous serving of butter. Can we not talk about the chicken salad sandwich? Because I tried to resist.

These are desperate times. Grocery prices are set to skyrocket. Thus, it is wise to pad ones arse and belly, in case of famine and/or insufficient funds (due to $72 bill to fill up van with gas) to procure food. One is just trying to be prepared.

Translation: Christ, I'm fat. I wish I could stop eating/baking/eating/cooking/eating/not exercising. Also, gas is expensive. Thanks, George. I also blame you for my eating disorder.

Ah well, life is too short not to ENJOY things, n'est ce pas? Pretentious ending to sentence sanctioned by Marmite Breath. Deal with it!

Tonight I took Tom and Brock (Collectively known as Brock O'Tomma, the country's first SuperCandidate running on a platform of ending poverty, destruction of bad guys and instituting mandatory Lego time every afternoon) to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

HOLY COW! They were transfixed! They adored it! It was the cutest thing to see them enjoy it so much. And there was a trailer for WALL*E, which, to be honest, we've watched about four bajillion times online this week, and we're STILL not sick of it. But seeing it on the big screen, WOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!! Is it June 27th yet?

(We are a huge Pixar-loving family)

Tom's review: Indiana Jones 4 is the best movie that has ever been made in the history of movies.

My review: Harrison Ford is still hot. He is one hot pepaw. There, Carly, I said it.

Blogging License: REVOKED!

Oh God. It's so annoying to think every day of blogging and then not do it. Here's a recap for those friends and family who have been asking, "What's going on with you?"

The Great House Selling Adventure.................

We've had no shortage of lookers. It's buyers that we lack. We had a family come and see it three times and then put in an offer. But it was a sucky offer. We countered, and were then told that they didn't have to respond to the counter. In other words, they could just leave us hanging. I almost lost my mind at the utter rudeness of this. I'm not thrilled with my realtor either, but what can I do? I just keep hoping that every family that looks at it is "the one" and I am taking any and all advice.

Speaking of, someone told me last week to bury a statue of St Joseph upside down in my front yard. When I looked this insanity up on the Internet, I discovered that this is a very serious thing and that St Joseph could possibly help me sell my house! I'm not sure if you have to be a Christian to reap the benefits of this (I do believe in St Joseph!) but I went out on Thursday and bought a statue and buried him upside down in my front yard. We have people coming to look at the house tomorrow, and I am just wondering if this will work. I have to admit, it felt very very strange to bury the statue. But if the house sells within the next two weeks, I will chalk it up to him. Or his Boss.

SAVING THE BIG NEWS FOR LAST!

Aaron has been commissioned!! He has graduated!! We are just over the moon about it all. He passed Physics II! This is no small feat, peeps. I can admit it now, but there were moments, little moments when I wasn't sure if he was going to do it. But this past Saturday, I watch as they commissioned him as an Officer, and I got a little teary-eyed as he took the oath. The kids put on his new shoulder boards, and then, oh man, then we went back to our house and partied like fools. SO.MUCH.FUN. (I will post pictures of the day once I go through them)

There were margaritas. And Karaoke. And friends, family and neighbours. We did have some people missing, but I had a drink for them, and we thought about them, and then we got distracted by my Dad standing on my coffee table singing Mack the Knife. So life goes on. Oh, and Aaron's parents and sister had to leave in the middle of everything because a tornado hit their town and knocked their fence down, blew away their greenhouse and generally caused a shitload of problems in Stuttgart. Damn weather!

Aaron leaves next Saturday for his deployment. He has to go straight to the ship and will be back in August. Believe me, I know it could be much worse so I have not complained at all.

Everything is so insecure right now though. I wish I knew when the house would sell. I wish I knew when the kids, the dog and I were going to move. I wish I knew anything. But I don't know everything and I need to get okay with that.

I do know that this three years of school has been so very tough for Aaron. And now it's over and he gets to go back to the ship. That makes him happy. When he gets back from deployment, things will be very good. Hopefully we'll settle in Norfolk very easily. And since I am now an OFFICER'S WIFE, I'm sure every day will be classy and delicate, like me.

*farts*

On a side note, how damn shitty has the writing on this blog become? I am practically SNORING while reading it!

Limbo, Himbo and a Purple Haired Bimbo.

First of all, on Monday of this week I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. But since Amalah already covered that, I can just direct you to her entry on "phone dropping" and you'll have a good idea of where I was at. I don't have an iphone, but still.

Tuesday, I got purple streaks in my hair. I have been feeling like the old me was getting a bit lost, so it was either purple streaks or a piercing. I don't do pain. Ergo, purple hair. Aaron thinks it is ridiculously sexy. My kids (and their classmates) think I am hilarious. Me? I feel a lot more like me than I have in a long time.

We are still waiting for the house to sell.

*crickets*

We're still waiting for Aaron to get through this horrible semester of advanced math classes.

*texas tumbleweeds*

We wait.

And we wait. (and stress)

*tree frogs*

And then I get sick of waiting and decide I should start obsessing about what to wear for the big commissioning ceremony.

(Bearing in mind I will be five pounds lighter by May 10th)

And also because, really, if you are all stressy about your house not selling and your husband trying to pass this last hurdle, and you are feeling all disgusting about your body, what would be the most retarded thing to do?

Oh, yes! Stand in your bra and panties in front of a mirror in a shop that has "suicide lighting."

(That phrase was a favourite of Ellen Burstyn. Have I mentioned that I used to be her Personal Assistant when she worked here? A million times you say? Fudge)

So. Aaron will be looking like this

Is it hot out here? Or is it just me?

and I will be looking like this

YEEEEEHAW SUCKAS! MAH HUSBAND JUST DONE GRADGY-AIDED AND AHM BOUT TO BE SOME HAH FLUTIN' OFFICER'S WAAF. Y'ALL CAN SUCK IT! DANG PROLETARIAT BOTTOM FEEDERS!

FREEBIRD!!!

(For the record, I don't think I have ever heard Freebird all the way through, I just think it's extra fun to shout it. Also, my Redneck Officer's Wife Persona would never use the word 'proletariat'.)

Stuck Damn Record

Lily* put some new music on her page yesterday and I am in love with the two new songs. They would be perfect on a CD that you listen to when you're getting ready to go out with your friends. Or perfect to listen to in the car. Go and have a listen.

Tina and Amy** are coming out with a new movie and I will be first in line, because obviously, it's going to be hilarious.

Everything else in the life of Marmite Breath? Aiiiiight. We got a ship. We're definitely going to Norfolk. If our house ever sells, that is. I don't want to talk about it. I'm excited and scared. More on that soon.

Today, I listened to US by Peter Gabriel*** and was whisked back to 1993. I was in love with somebody who didn't love me back. It was, as Sam says in Love Actually, 'total agony'. The total agony of being in love. God, what a delicious and yet devastatingly traumatic time that was. Dustin Owen Williams made me so happy. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, I hope he's happy, because he was nice to me, even though he wasn't in love with me. That tempered the agony, a little.

Right now my total agony is that I have managed to go from 114lbs (Christmas) to 124lbs****(House on Market, Life About To Change and Everything is So Damn Unexpected!).

And so I'm back on Weight Watchers. A-FREAKING-GAIN!

* Love for Lily is deep as deepest ocean
** Love for Tina and Amy is as high as highest mountain
*** Love for Peter Gabriel and his music is as wide as the widest prairie
**** Perhaps I should have said, as wide as Nat's arse?

My Birfday Wishes, Let Me Show You Them.

Passing ten minutes of time while I wait for floors to dry? Check.

Referencing LOLcats? Check.

Happy Birthday to Paul and Zach. Call me!

It's Farthwerthy

Yesterday I left the house after the realtor called to say it was going to be shown. I grabbed the dog, turned all the lights on, and after inspecting everywhere to make sure that it was worthy of being shown, I left.

They stayed in our house for 35 minutes. I kept driving past and thinking, "What are they doing?"

One of the realtors that we interviewed had suggested that we repaint our downstairs bathroom. It is a tuscan yellow. The paint swatch said "squash" (as in the vegetable, not the drink). I love it.

The realtor told us that if a potential buyer didn't like our house, they'd choose something that stood out in their minds to identify the house. As in, "The house with the bright yellow bathroom".

I was not going to repaint since I loved the colour and picked it out myself.

Now I'm thinking that the buyers remembering our house as "the one with the bright yellow bathroom" would not be a bad idea.

As I drove the neighbourhood, I remembered that I had not erased Tom's big markerboard in his room.

In his large scrawl, he had written something to make me laugh.

Oglington Fart Werthy

I wonder if the people think we are odd.

Car Talk

This morning as it chucked it down with rain, I decided to actually put on proper clothing to drive the kids to school. The Laws of the Universe being what they were (see: all my previous blog posts where stuff has gone pear shaped and I have run out in a shirt and knickers) I knew that if there was a morning where I would (a) get a flat on the way or (b) hit a dog and be forced to get out, that it would be on a morning when it was raining, and thus, I'd better not add to everything else by being in my pajamas.



(Was the above sentence a grammatical nightmare to read? It certainly was to write!)



As we got in the van, Had said casually, "You look better than you normally do, Mama; you're wearing a shirt"



"Oh, do I usually drive to school naked then?" I asked her, grinning at her in the rear view mirror.



"No, but that would be SO FUNNY!" she said.



"But very inappropriate!" piped up Tom.